How Attachment Styles Develop
Attachment styles develop during our earliest relationships most often with our caregivers. Attachment is an aspect of survival that helps us get our needs met… a clear example of this is how a baby instinctually cries in order to communicate an unmet need such as hunger. When caregivers can consistently meet a child’s need and allow them to fully express and communicate that child will develop a secure attachment. If however those needs aren’t consistently met then an individual can become insecurely attached, and develop beliefs about the how they see themselves in the world (“my needs aren’t important”, “if I express myself people will leave me,” etc.). A parents attachment style can influence attachment styles of their children, and children can grow into adults that seek out relationships that continue to reinforce attachments styles of beliefs about themselves.
Four Tips to Change Insecure Attachment
So the question is, once we realize we have an insecure attachment style, what do we do to change it?! As adults we have to (1) recognize the way that our view of the world has been shaped by our early relationships and (2) remind ourselves that not everyone in the world will relate to us in the same way as our caregivers. Not only do we have to remind ourselves of this, but we have to (3) actively seek out those who can relate to us in a different, more attuned way and (4) show up in a way that does not reinforce negative beliefs of insecure attachments. For example, an anxiously attached person learned that their parent might withdraw their affection at any moment, so that person learned not to express their emotions and anticipate the caregivers mood so as not to be the cause of any disruption in the attachment. As an adult they continue this pattern by ignoring their feelings when their partner does something they don’t like, and in the rare chance that they do speak up about how they feel, the partner responds in an explosive way that only reinforces the persons belief that they shouldn’t express their emotions, continuing the cycle of anxious attachment. Healing insecure attachment involves establishing healing relationships that create reparative experiences. If that adult were to instead courageously practice expressing their needs in real time and seeking out people who were willing and able to meet their needs, that person could then form new beliefs and ideas about themselves in the world (“my needs are important," “if I express myself people will still care about me.”).
Resistance to Change
I emphasize the word “courageously” because it’s not an easy task to just show up differently. To try and take years and years of conditioning and do something different will often be met with a lot of resistance and can bring up different emotions like stress, fear, or worry. We may have the insecurely attached versions of ourselves that speak out against any attempts to change for fear of losing the attachment, facing rejection, or getting hurt in the process. Showing up differently is not easy, it can be very uncomfortable or even scary. Showing up differently means being brave and courageous, having a sense of faith that what is on the other side of showing up in a new way (I.e.- secure attachment) is so so so worth the temporary discomfort.
About the Author
Chelsey is a relational therapist based in Los Angeles, CA. She works with adult, couples, and families to help them release stress, tension, and trauma to better connect to themselves and the world around them. She offers group, individual, and couples therapy and offers a sliding scale rate to increase accessibility to services. She also facilitates holistic wellness offerings such as sound bath and yoga sessions, and social gatherings to be in community and have space to engage in conversations about mental health and wellness. If you're ready to go deeper in your health and wellness journey you can explore working with Chelsey by booking a free therapy consultation HERE.
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