The holidays can be a time full of complexity. Family itself is a complex system filled with varying dynamics of character and culture. For many adults who develope personal values and lifestyles that differ from the norms of their family system, spending time with family during the holidays can be a challenge. The holidays can also bring feelings of grief and loneliness adding to the layered experiences the holidays bring. I had the opportunity to share some tips on navigating the holidays with Black Female Therapist for their Surviving The Holidays guide and here are some of the questions that came up:
What suggestions would you offer to someone spending time around toxic family members during the holidays?
When dealing with toxic family members over the holidays I recommend getting clear on what your non-negotiable are regarding the specific family relationships before going into the setting. For example, if you will not tolerate being yelled at, that would be a non-negotiable for you. Because non-negotiable are behaviors that you cannot tolerate, its important to consider how you will respond to create safety for yourself should it arise. This might look like speaking up for yourself, going into another room, or exiting the environment all together. What’s not non-negotiable may be a boundary that feels more flexible and can be tolerated to some extent. We know that boundaries can shift and change to adjust for the situation. It can be helpful to imagine what your visual boundary might look like if you could see it. You can try visualizing yourself in a family setting an imagining your boundary as a wavy bubble. When toxic family members are present it may feel like your bubble shrinks and doesn’t have much space. Maybe when you imagine yourself stepping outside for some fresh air you can visualize this bubble that represents your boundary growing bigger and flowing calmly. Try to visualize your boundary expanding, becoming firmer, and creating more space for yourself. Having a conscious awareness of how your boundary is shifting and changing throughout the holidays can support you in being present with your experiences and responding accordingly to do what feels most supportive for you.
What are some strategies for managing social anxiety at holiday gatherings?
Anxiety is how our body responds to a perceived threat in our environment. When anxiety shows up its because there’s some part of us that doesn’t feel safe. One way to get our body to feel safe is scanning the environment. Can you look around the room and notice what shapes and colors exist? This technique of orienting to our environment gets us out of our anxious mind and helps us drop into the physical. When you do this you send messages to your brain that there is no immediate threat in your environment.
Notice how anxiety shows up in your body language. Often times anxiety can show up as a clenched jaw, tense hands, folded arms, or quick short breaths. Notice where in your body you can relax and soften. During social settings you can try breathing more slowly, releasing the tongue from the roof of your mouth, dropping your shoulders away from your ears, or even smiling. Smiling causes us to release tension and stress by relaxing the muscles and nerves in the face.
Chewing gum, eating food, or drinking a beverage can also help you feel more relaxed as doing so activates our "rest and digest” system, which signals safety to the brain, because the brain knows that we wouldn’t waste time eating if there was an active threat. Eating and drinking also engages our senses like taste, touch, and smell. Focusing in on our senses is a good way to get out of our anxious thoughts, drop into the body, and feel more grounded and regulated.
Could you suggest any strategies for coping with the grief of losing a loved one during this holiday season?
It's normal for the intensity of grief to change and fluctuate across time. Grief looks different for everyone and there truly is no right or wrong way that grief is suppose to look. I recommend meeting yourself with compassion and allowing yourself to be present with what comes up… name the feelings aloud if that’s helpful.
The holiday season can be especially challenging as we realize how different our traditions and culture rituals feel without loved ones present. As much as feels accessible, allow your grief to be expressed within community. Whether among family, friends, or support groups, there is so much healing and nurturing that can be experienced when we allow our grief to be witnessed and held with others.
Creating traditions that allow you to include deceased loved ones can be helpful: making their favorite meal, playing music they liked, visiting their grave sight, lighting a candle in their memory, having a balloon release, or swopping stories about your most memorable moments together are some examples of what it could look like to honor the loss of loved ones.
Do you have any recommendations for someone feeling lonely during the holidays?
The holidays can feel especially lonely because it's a time where family and togetherness is heavily emphasized. Loneliness, like any emotion, indicates an unmet need. I would encourage people to consider what their loneliness might be saying about their own needs, and from their identifying ways they might be able to meet that need. Loneliness can be associated with grief and loss, it could be connected to sadness about being away from home, or even indicate feelings of disconnection from yourself. If you anticipate you may experience loneliness this holiday season, allow yourself to set some things in place that can be supportive for you. You can practice traditions that allow you to honor loved ones who have passed, identify your “chosen family” and find ways to spend quality time with them this holiday season, or create a plan for the holiday that allows you to feel more connected and engaged with the world. You can also consider looking into joining a virtual or in person support groups centered around navigating the holidays. How you deal with feelings of loneliness may look different depending on what is underneath the surface. Allow yourself to feel what emotions come up for you this holiday season, knowing that emotions are not permanent, but ebb and flow just as the seasons do.
Do you have any additional advice or resources to contribute to our "Surviving The Holidays" guide?
Whether you’re trying to survive the holidays or just get through life in general, recognizing that this stuff isn’t easy. Life is full of complexities all interwoven and interrelated in ways we will never fully understand. This can be a challenging notion to accept because the human brain seeks out information and resolution. We naturally want to have the answers and a clear path on how to move through the world, but there is no one size fits all. If I could give just one message that I hope readers could walk away with it would be a gentle reminder that you are the expert in your life. Even when things feel unclear, allow yourself to lean in to what feels most supportive for you. No one will truly know what that is, except for you. Trust your intuition, lead with the heart. You got this!
If ever you or someone you know finds themselves in a mental health emergency, you can call or text 988 for the 24/7 National Mental Health Crisis Line.
About the Author
Chelsey is a relational therapist based in Los Angeles, CA. She works with adult, couples, and families to help them release stress, tension, and trauma to better connect to themselves and the world around them. She offers group, individual, and couples therapy and offers a sliding scale rate to increase accessibility to services. She also facilitates holistic wellness offerings such as sound bath and yoga sessions, and social gatherings to be in community and have space to engage in conversations about mental health and wellness. If you're ready to go deeper in your health and wellness journey you can explore working with Chelsey by booking a free therapy consultation HERE.
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